Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
