the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
