yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
