i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
tell me about the eggs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
