fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize