just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
