there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
