I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
barbara walters just said penis...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
