Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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