I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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