This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
