i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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