I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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