I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
