I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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