he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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