peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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