between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
