Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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