a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize