Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
did i just pee glitter
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize