pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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