How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
