I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
