Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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