oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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