I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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