I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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