You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
