I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
