just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
