If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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