note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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