did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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