What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize