Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
