My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Acid is not a monday night drug
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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