I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
