Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
