He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
