i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
