I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
