pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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