I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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