so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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