when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
