I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
