I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
