I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
