yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
