Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
