i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i drank out of a bidet.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
