I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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