Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
