Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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