I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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