If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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