dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
