I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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