We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize