Betty ford says i'm here all night
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
