I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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