no you cant smoke seaweed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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