"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
