i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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