Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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