So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
