Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
