my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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